What now?

I'm sure everyone reaches that point in there life where they wonder, "What now?"

There is also a point where, usually as a teen "that knows everything" that you had a plan for life. As far as I can remember here was my plan.

1- Graduate high school  (check)
2- Go to college (check)
3- Get married in the temple (check)
4- Graduate college (check)
5- Get a job using your degree (check)
6- Get a house (check)

My 5-10 yr plan for my life from high school has basically be fulfilled. No it didn't happen exactly as I planned it, in the order I planned it but what really ever goes according to plans?

I got another email saying it was my "last chance" to purchase my pictures from college graduation. I look at them every time, even though I have no intention of buying them. Today I noticed that in the 3.5 yrs since graduation I've gained weight. In fact I can tell you that I have probably gained 30lbs since that picture was taken. Just a realization that kicks you in the gut. It made me reflect on my last 3.5 years of life. What have I really done? And what do I do now that I have reached all my goals?

Set new goals you say? I kind of feel like Charlie Eppes from the show Numbers when he is faced with writing a letter to whoever takes the big fancy office after he does. He realizes he doesn't really know what he wants in life and thus finds it harder to write this letter. If I don't know what I want how am I suppose to set new goals?

I think part of me fears new goals because that means I have to accomplish something and that I might fail along the way. In fact I feel like I have failed at almost every goal that I have tried to set the last few years. It is like I have lost my goal setting skills. I use to have them, they existed... I'm not sure where they went. Maybe they dwindled with my passions in life. I use to love life and everything about it.Oh, my passions? What were my passions? Waterpolo, swimming, dance, running, going out with friends, feeling like I had the world at my fingertips, designing things...

but wait... aren't you a graphic designer? Why yes, yes I am, but the dirty truth they don't tell you in college is that not every graphic design job is treated equally. There are jobs that are titled graphic designer but really you are just a production artist... basically a production artist is almost like a CNA of the design world, appreciated because they clean up all the poop, etc that those above them don't want to. I got moved to a new position in my company that I thought would provide more creative opportunities but, alas, I was wrong at least so far. Creativity isn't just a thing, it is more like a muscle. If not used it will shrivel. I feel like my creativity muscle is becoming severely atrophied. I'm not ready to give up on my job just yet so I've been looking for other, personal projects to get back into constant "creative juices flowing" status.

In design school I felt like a creative genius all the time. I was the bomb! I feel like getting my creativity "back" will help with other things in life. I'm sure creativity, or lack thereof, isn't the only prob. I am slowly trying to identify what seems to me holding me back and tackle those things. This takes patience. My brilliant, lovely mother will be the first to tell you it is not my biggest virtue.

I need to get back to my goal setting ways. I just have to. I also have to realize that I am no longer 16 or 17 when I could easily do 25 military push ups without batting and eye and 500 yards of swimming was only the warm up. I am no longer 168lbs of mostly muscle from swimming 3-5 hours 5-6 days a week. I am now 168lbs of what feels like half muscle and half fat. I can no longer get away with only 4-5 hours of sleep each night and just be a normal human being. I need like 7-9 or I'm kind of raunchy. I can no longer just up and run a 10k with 0 preparation this 28 yr old body needs a month for that... probably.

I do have a lot of things, that I am truly grateful for. I have an awesome family. I have a great mom that I have decided knows how to do everything and is willing to help me even when it is me being a baby because I can't seem to get my crap together to organize my office. I have good genes. Ex: I look about 10 yrs younger than I am... at least to people older than me, I don't think the teens are fooled. Also, I don't get sick very often *knock on wood*. I can run. I can swim... well I'm pretty sure I can. I am able to laugh at myself (and I do more than I probably should... great I'm going toe that person that laughs at their own jokes, all alone lol). I am most grateful for my fantabulous husband that puts up with me and eats whatever I cook no matter how crazy it gets. He cracks me up and can always make me smile when I am blue. Sometimes I wish I had a brain as logical as his, but then I wouldn't really be me and all the whimsicalness that entails. I am just glad he found me and I found him and that we can be weird together =)

So here's to whatever my "what now?" mind journey finds me. Here is to creativity and new adventures that I happen upon. I hope I can restart the passion for life that I once had, and if my old loves don't hold the same allure for me that they once did, then I hope I can find whatever they will be replaced by.

Go team!