Fat Girl Stuck in a Skinny Girl Body

I have come to the conclusion that I am a fat girl stuck in a skinny girl's body. Which I realize there are way worse things that I could be. I love food! But on the other hand I really like being in shape looking. In my what feels like my wildest dreams I would look like this:

And then I start planning how I'm going to get there. All determined and stuff then the next thing I know there are people that are like, "hey, want to come to my party, I have cake."

and I'm like, "WHAT?!?!? I LUFF CAKE!" and then I eat it all and everybody else just gets to lick up crumbs or frosting off the plate.

Okay, that situation never really happened. For the record, I do love cake but I would come to your party cause I like you, not just for the cake. The whole getting in shape and looking like a non-steroidal Crossfit queen is a true situation/dream. I've been reading this free ebook I got on Amazon called 'Fit is the New Skinny: The No-BS Truth about Getting Thinner, Leaner, and Stronger' by Michael Matthews. I'm realizing that diet (meaning what you eat) is a HUGE part in looking like the pic above (no, not the cake picture). Granted the book says that, like once per chapter, it's not going to sink in with me until I prove it to myself.

I've been trying to eat better. I started with drinking more water. If you have been there you know you have to pee like every 5 minutes for the first few days and your co-workers start worrying about you a little bit. On my eating better journey I've started using an app to track calories. I'm not in it just to find out calories but it helps me think about the things I am eating. Counting how many M&M's your are downing in one handful gets tedious and makes you want to eat less M&M's, well almost. Really though, this app has helped me and if you are on the same "eat healthier" journey I recommend you get yourself an app for that.

 This quote is me and my life (minus that kids part). I'm going to say being a creative mind sometimes gets in the way of the way I want my life to be. I have super awesome, on the ball, eat like a champ days and I love them. Then there are those days where jumping out of bed is all the effort I can muster but then I still have to get ready for work and do that whole adult responsibility thing. On those good days (that sometimes last a week) I am on it, I have dinners all planned out, food all bought for said dinners, I go to the gym, work it, and life is good. But it is usually followed by a day, or even a week, of what are we going to have for dinner, what am I going to do at the gym (which usually results in a not so satisfying workout), I don't want to run, etc. It seriously feels like my brain just got tired from being on top of things and forgets how to function in Awesome Mode. How do you overcome your brain fighting against you when it runs everything in your body? I haven't figured it out. That is why my workouts are still coupled with eating a Hostess Cupcake or two... or five. But I must be getting better because I am feeling changes in my body. My arms aren't quite as flabby, my running has become better (even though less frequent), and I can do more at the gym (when I am in Awesome Mode).

Sugar is my archenemy, will I ever conquer it? I don't know, but I certainly have gotten better at resisting it's temptations. I want to make it clear that I don't think I am fat and I know I don't look fat. I'm just skinny fat, meaning inside I just don't feel as healthy as I use to and that is why I am trying to make some changes before I wake up one morning and realize my only option in life is to be sumo wrestler. I've gotten to that point in life that adults always warned me about, you know where they say, "eat all that crap while you can, someday it will actually stick to your bones." There are a million different versions of that saying, but you get the idea. I can't just eat whatever and expect it to just slide through my system. It is a little depressing but it's life and most people have to deal with it at some point.

I hope to get better and being in Awesome Mode more often than not cause I'm sure consistency is a big factor. My mind and body can only be as strong as I give it fuel to be. I'm guessing 5 Hostess Cupcakes aren't the right kind of fuel. Sigh. Baby steps and maybe I'll get there someday, for now, just trying to what I can to keep my sanity.

Good Morning Ideas.

Sometimes in the morning I have really good ideas. Or what I think are good ideas then later in the day I wonder how I thought it was a good idea.

Example:
This morning I cracked open a can of tuna mixed it with some mayo and added some salt free lemon pepper. Then I decided that instead of slathering it onto bread and making an actual sandwich I was just going to put it in a Tupperware container and take 2 pieces of bread and then I could just scoop it out with my bread and/or crackers.

Now I'm sitting at my desk, the bread isn't scooping like I thought it would. There are crumbs EVERYWHERE. I'm fighting them off my computer keyboard. Why was this a good idea?

On the bright side, I am getting more protein in my diet by eat a whole can of tuna and some grain servings with my bread that is unadulterated with gobs of mayo that I always feel the need to put on a tuna sandwich. Yay!

What are some good ideas that you have had that did not turn out so brilliant in the end.

Mom Status

No I am not a mom, nor am I planning on being one in 9 months (sorry mom and mom-in-law and those that have bets regarding such an event).

I'm sure there are plenty of couples in the position of deciding when to start a family or if they even want to, decisions like that. I know I want to start a family, I have no idea when that will happen and there are a few reasons why.

#1) Here is where I throw my husband under the bus. He likes to be prepared for everything in every way, which I love, usually. In this case he wants to be financially ready to have a kid. I know I'm sure those of you that have had children are snickering inside or possibly laughing out and rolling on the floor. I've been told many, many, MANY times that if parents waited to be financially ready there would be no kids. My feelings, yes save and prepare, but don't let that be the whole deciding factor, I do have a biological clock, I can't produce kids the rest of my life. I only have like 15-ish years left. (whoa that's kind of freaky)

#2) There are times when I'm with my nephews and niece and I think, "I can't do this all the time. At this moment I would be done being a mom." And then I would want to leave my kids out on the porch and put a for sale sign next to them. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my nephews and niece. I mean they say and do really cute things sometimes.

#3) Sometimes children in public are screaming and crying and I wonder how I would handle such a situation. I have an idea in my head how I think children should behave and how I would like my children to behave but how do I get there? Each child has a different personality and thus you have to have different discipline tactics. THEN children eventually become teenagers and sometimes I see teenagers and I'm like what if my children do this, that, or the other.  Part of my worry here is that I don't consider communication one of my strong points. Confrontation? I would gladly avoid it, but I realize you can't do that with kids cause then they will just walk all over you and do what they want, break all your house rules and there will be a lack of respect for you as a parent and person. I am thankful that I have a husband that is better at communication than I am and I am working on this and I hope I don't screw up my children.

#4) I don't want to screw up my children.



Now there are 4 some what solid reasons. A few others are that I keep signing up for races. People are like, "hey, I'm going to run such n such race, want to do it with me?" and I'm like a starving child being offered a Milky Way candy bar, you don't say no to a Milky Way. I've asked a relative that has been a nurse and married to an OBGYN about running and being prego. She said you can if you feel up to it but probably shouldn't do more than 2-3 miles. From what I hear (from the world of pregnant horror stories) you don't ever feel like it. There is this nausea and lack of energy thing that kicks in, which sounds like an exercise motivation killer. Plus, you have this extra weight there to help throw off your balance. Have I mentioned that even though my name means one of grace I am not very graceful, I mean I broke my foot walking down the stairs backwards, really? Who does that? oh me. I'll probably be the pregnant lady that has gauze wrapped around her knees cause she keeps falling and scraping them every 5 minutes.

Have you guys ever had sushi? I LOVE SUSHI!! And the whole raw fish thing? Yea I've heard it is frowned upon in the pregnant society, something about mercury being in fish then getting to your blood stream and going to your baby. I dunno, but giving that up for 9 months it makes me a little teary just thinking about it.

I realize my last few reasons are on a selfish note but they come into play once in a while. Really I think it all comes down to being a parent scares me. I'm responsible for someone else, other than myself. I mean I feel somewhat responsible for my husband but if I disappeared for a weekend he would be fine (he might not even notice jk). I don't have to call a babysitter, or drop him off at his parent's and leave a detail "How to take care of Trevor" letter. I can just be like, "bye, love you, I'll miss you, see you Sunday night." My husband can take care of himself, he has been doing it for a really long time. But babies! they need 24 hour care, 7 days a week! I've never had a job that is 24/7 other than being my awesome self and that even gets tough sometimes.

Sigh.

Well I don't have to worry about this for at least 7 more months. In June I have Ragnar and a half marathon I pinky promised to do again. This statement will not prevent me from worrying from time to time. Anyway, we'll see what happens after that. Someday, when I do join the preggers crowd I'm sure I write a blog where I totally freak out. I have a feeling there will be a lot of nights where I will be sobbing uncontrollably and my husband will think I've lost a limb and I'll just be like "I can't do this, can we go backsies on this?" and there will probably be other times when I'm like the energizer bunny hopping around like, "I'm gunna be a mom, oh yea, you know it, I've got the belly to show it!" It's going to be crazy. I'm sure my blog posts will be just as bi-polaresque.

Did you have fears about being a mom when pregnant, or fears facing someday having kids?

Somedays it is Great to be an Aunt

Today was one of those days.

I was having a bit of a rough day. I listen to the Glenn Beck show in the morning sometimes and this morning he had radio/TV sound clips and people calling in talking about what was happening the day the World Trade Center and Pentagon were attacked 12 years ago. I was driving to work and I started crying, not a good idea since it was already raining. I couldn't help it though. That was a huge day in America, a day I will remember always.

Next up, getting a talking to, via email, at work. Not my fav, not everything in it was exactly my fault but I'm not going to play the blame game over it.

Finally, a month and a few days ago I lost my grandpa. It was unexpected and hard to handle. I've been doing okay most days, today wasn't one of those days. I'm not sure what triggered it all but I felt down in the dumps most of the day.

I didn't make it to the gym like I planned, I got off work later than usual in order to finish somethings that needed to be finished. I know it sounds funny but I didn't have a pony tail holder ANYWHERE and I wore my hair down so that was my last straw/sign that no gym today.

I moped through the grocery store and finally made it home. I started making dinner, on the menu? Homemade Cream of Tomato Soup with grilled cheese sandwiches. On days when my nephew and niece come over I try to plan kid friendly menu items, thus the grilled cheese. The weather said it was suppose to be a rainy day and my mom needed to get rid of some older canned tomatoes so tomato soup was added to create on of my fav dinners.

I didn't expect the kids to eat the soup, I was never a soup fan when I was little. My nephew tends  to be the child that asks, "how many more bites?" as soon as his bum hits the chair at the dinner table. I knew he would be content with the grilled cheese when I mentioned soup he twisted his face in slight disgust. I told him he had to try at least a little bit. I spooned out about 1/4 of a ladle into his bowl. Once the soup cooled, he scooped some up and into his mouth it went. He smiled with delight, "MMM this is so good!" I told him that I liked to dip my grilled cheese into my soup. He tried it and loved it. He didn't ask once how many bites he had to eat and he ate most of his meal (also rare without a fight). He said it was the best soup he had ever had and asked Grammy if he could have it for every meal.

My niece is a character. Love her to pieces, she listened really well today, and she didn't scream/screech once (she is almost 2 and is starting the terrible two's). I sort of had a conversation with her. She asked, "trwevo?" (which is my hubby to her) I said, "Trevor is at school." she nods her said and repeats school. A pause, then, "bike?" I say, "his bike? No he didn't take his bike, he took his truck today." She repeats truck.

Probably my favorite thing about being an aunt today was when my niece and nephew were having races and at one point I was the goal. When they almost reached me, I took off running around the kitchen table. They were laughing and running and laughing some more. I love those little kids they made my rough day end up not so bad after all.

Being an aunt is great.