It's just the way I am?

I think I have faced the fact that I will never be the type of person that I want to be. I've always wished to be super outgoing and just love being around people. You know those people that seem to know someone everywhere you go. They are people, people and they always seem to be bubble and happy no matter what. Yea I've dreamed of being that type of person, I've tried to fake it (I mean not fake caring about people but being happy all the time). When that bubbly, self confidence (or whatever it is) isn't something that comes naturally to you it gets REALLY tiring. I think a lot of people that are like that just are so sure of them selves and have loads of confidence and they just don't care what other people think, which is pretty awesome.

I'm not entirely sure what people think about me. Well I know what some people think because they are closer to me or have known me for a while but those that maybe haven't actually met me or have only met me once (or for some older ladies in my ward, they have met me several times but just don't seem to remember lol). My guess is I may come off like a snob or something, especially if there isn't someone I know around. Just for the record I'm not snobby, I'm just really shy and I have a hard time around new people. And you know why? Because I care way too much about what people think. I wish I didn't but I can't seem to get it to go away. I have come a long way compared to my younger years. I remember in first grade I wouldn't even look people in the eye. I just looked at the ground when talking and stuff. I LOVED my first grade teacher and I still wouldn't look at her. Shoot, I sometimes wouldn't even look at my family and talking to strangers? Na-uh not happening unless my parents made me. At least that is what I remember. If I was any different I don't remember it.

Through the years I have tried to be better and braver. There was one girl I went to school with and I think she was more shy than I was (if you could believe that) and she didn't seem to really have any friends, she was practically like a baby deer. If she was approached she would practically freeze (deer in the headlights). I decided I didn't want to be like that all my life so I would try to get out of my comfort zone. I started taking piano and dance, because of those things I found myself in front of people performing. Eventually I tried out for the sophomore cheer group ( I never tried out for Jr high cause we voted for our cheerleaders which I thought was dumb) and I ran for SBO in high school even though I kinda figured I wouldn't win because other than the waterpolo team no one really knew who I was. But hey I made it past the primaries! Whoot Whoot.

I am a pretty big goofball and I think I'm actually pretty fun when I let it out but it doesn't come out that much in public because, like I said before, I find myself caring too much about what other people think. Today I just feel like giving up on ever being that bubbly, fun person all the time and just being a hermit for life, well a hermit within myself cause I do actually leave my house (if I didn't I would go out of my mind). I go through phases where I find myself caring less about what others think but I never seem to get completely over it. And I really just feel like I am whining today and I don't really care cause I'm really not in that great of a mood, although I'm trying to change my attitude. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get over what people think of you I would be interested.

Thanks for reading. Have a marvelous Monday.